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Self-care is a hot topic in our house right now. Gary and I are developing
a new workshop called "Caring for Your Self." We are enjoying
the process. In fact, we think of it as a part of our own self-care.
Each morning we sit by the fire and read or discuss current topics of
interest to us. Our discussions are often about developing concepts
we want to include in a workshop or envisioning new workshops. This,
along with two games of double solitaire constitutes our morning ritual.
In this way we connect and ground ourselves for the day.
We have come to regard caring for the self as a prerequisite for self-care.
Too often we identify so strongly with our roles in life that we forget
that we are more than the labels we wear. We created a list of distinctions
to illustrate this point.
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" L A S T N I G H T I D R E A M T
I W A S A B U T T E R F L Y .
T O D A Y , A M I A
B U T T E R F L Y D R E A M I N G
I A M A M A N ?
"
Chuang Yzu
"
H O N E Y , H O W C A N Y O U
H A V E S E L F - E S T E E M
I F Y O U D O N ' T H A V E
A S E L F ?
"
Iyanla Vanzant
" W H A T C A N B E
G A I N E D F R O M
S A I L I N G T O T H E M O O N
I F W E A R E N O T A B L E
T O C R O S S T H E A B Y S S
T H A T S E P A R A T E S U S
F R O M O U R S E L V E S ?
"
Thomas Merton
" W H A T L I E S B E H I N D
U S A N D W H A T L I E S
B E F O R E U S
A R E T I N Y M A T T E R S ,
C O M P A R E D T O W H A T
L I E S W I T H I N U S.
"
Ralph Waldo Emerson
" T E L L M E ,
W H A T I S I T
Y O U P L A N T O D O
W I T H Y O U R O N E
W I L D A N D P R E C I O U S
L I F E ?
"
Mary Oliver
" I B E A R A U N I Q U E
N E S S
T H A T A S K S T O
B E L I V E D
A N D T H A T I S A L R E A D Y
P R E S E N T B E F O R E
I T I S L I V E D
"
James Hillman
" A S T R A I G H T L I N E
I S T H E Q U I C K E S T W A Y
T O T H E
W R O N G P L A C E
"
Unknown
" H
E W H O K N O W S
O T H E R S I S W I S E ;
H E W H O K N O W S
H I M S E L F
I S E N L I G H T E N E D "
Lao Tzu
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| ROLES |
SELF |
| W H A T W E D O |
W H O W E A R E |
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|
| Label |
Definition |
| Conformity
to external standards |
Recognize
own unique qualities |
| De-value
self |
Value
and nourish own uniqueness |
| Put
others first |
Equality
with others |
| Loss
of self (feelings, choices) |
Self-awareness
(feelings, choices) |
| Self-care
neglected |
Self-care
sustained |
When we are strongly attached to what we do we often
miss the essence of who we are. If we identify ourselves by our labels
(e.g., I'm a wife, mother, grandmother, teacher, artist) we fail to
define our core selves. The labels don't tell you that I care about
social justice or that I often cry when I see a beautiful sunset. They
don't speak to my hopes and dreams or my core beliefs.
Labels generally require that we conform to external standards. My son,
David, used to tell me I would be a "good mother" if I made cookies.
I knew he was teasing, but I confess that I knew I did not measure up
to the good mother test if cookies were the standard against which I
was measured. In those moments I failed to recognize all the qualities
that made me the inimitable mother I was.
In my roles I often de-valued myself. I did things the "right way" rather
than choosing a way that worked for me. I recall going to meetings when
I was sick, wearing uncomfortable shoes in order to be stylish and exercising
compulsively to fit an image of who I should be. I did little to foster
my own unique qualities.
I confess that I am hardwired to be a caregiver. Even now I must consciously
think about including myself in the list of people to consider. In the
past I would put my own needs aside in order to be helpful to others.
Unfortunately, I often did so with resentment. I have come to believe
that it is not respectful to help out if I don't do it with a good heart.
And it is never good to sacrifice my own well being in order to ensure
someone else's.
A loss of a sense of self is the result of clinging to our roles. Personal
feelings and choices become secondary to obligations that we have set
for ourselves. It is only when we begin to develop some self-awareness
that we can accurately evaluate our feelings and make choices that take
others and ourselves into consideration. I remember walking in -30C
weather because my walking partners and I had a schedule that we adhered
to no matter what. At the end of our hour-long walk we were so cold
that we couldn't get our car doors open and we had to ask for help.
As you can see, my efforts at self-care were not always in my best interest.
I wore myself out trying to be a good person. Although I often did the
"right" things, I did them in ways that were not self-sustaining. I
have come to believe that caring for the self, is essential if self-care
is to result in the most positive benefit.
The way that I have learned to be more caring toward myself is through
developing boundaries. As I can say what I want and don't want I find
that I define myself more clearly. I am more honest and genuine and
I have a stronger sense of my self.
I added learning, having fun, connecting with others and creating to
my list of essential self-care activities. In fact, I start my day with
these elements.
. . . . now. . . . if I could just train myself to drink more water.
. . .
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