Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Many of us would prefer to avoid confrontations. We don't speak up when there is a problem or we distance ourselves from people or situations that we view as potentially problematic. The result is that we may edit our lives severely. Others seek confrontation, picking fights and joyously jumping into the fray. The cost for that behaviour is that others may see us as bullying and distance from us.

" A T  T H E  H E A R T ,
B L A M E  I S  A B O U T
J U D G I N G   A N D  
C O N T R I B U T I O N  I S
A B O U T  U N D E R S T A N D I N G "
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen





" P U T  Y O U R  H E A R T ,
M I N D ,  I N T E L L E C T  A N D
S O U L  E V E N  T O  Y O U R
S M A L L E S T  A C T S .  T H I S
I S  T H E  S E C R E T  O F
S U C C E S S. "
Swami Sivanda





" P E O P L E  D E A L  T O O  M U C H
W I T H  T H E  N E G A T I V E ,
W H A T  I S  W R O N G … W H Y
N O T  T R Y  A N D  S E E
P O S I T I V E  T H I N G S ,  T O
J U S T  T O U C H  T H O S E
T H I N G S  A N D  M A K E  T H E M
B L O O M. "
Thich Nhat Han





" I F  Y O U  T A K E  C A R E  O F
T H E  S M A L L  T H I N G S ,
T H E  B I G  T H I N G S  T A K E
C A R E  O F  T H E M S E L V E S .
Y O U  C A N  G A I N  M O R E
C O N T R O L  O V E R  Y O U R
L I F E  B Y  P A Y I N G
A T T E N T I O N  T O  T H E
L I T T L E  T H I N G S. "
Emily Dickinson





" H O W  W E  S P E N D  O U R
D A Y S  I S  O F  C O U R S E
H O W  W E  S P E N D
O U R  L I V E S. "
Annie Dillard





" P A I N  I S  I N E V I T A B L E ;
S U F F E R I N G
I S  O P T I O N A L "
Anonymous





" T A K E  A W A Y  T H E
C O M P L A I N T , " I  H A V E
B E E N  H A R M E D ,"  A N D
T H E  H A R M  I S
T A K E N  A W A Y. "
Marcus Aurelius





" B E T W E E N  S T I M U L U S
A N D  R E S P O N S E  I S  A
S P A C E .  I N  T H I S  S P A C E
L I E S  O U R  F R E E D O M
T O  C H O O S E  O U R
 R E S P O N S E.  I N  T H E S E
C H O I C E S  L I E  O U R
G R O W T H  A N D  O U R
H A P P I N E S S. "
Stephen Covey

Gary and I don't have a lot of conflict in our relationship. We work hard to stay clear and to respect each other's point of view. However, not long ago we had a day filled with minor conflicts. It started innocently enough over our morning coffee when I suggested that Gary might want to get some help with the garden when I was out of town. I interpreted his failure to respond as rude and resistant. He was sharp with me when I tried to help with a computer problem. Later I took offence when he asked me to take an hour to work in the garden when I already had a very busy schedule. By this time I had added cheap and insensitive to the list of his offences.

Gary was also bewildered, cranky and resentful. He had not intended to reject my suggestion to get help with the garden, but to take some time to consider the possibility. He was unaware that he interrupted me to ask for help with the computer and he missed my effort to use our code to diffuse irritation ("I'm on your side here," means for us "You seem to be over reacting and I want to remind you that I am your ally"). Gary failed to mention that he intended to work with me in the garden, an activity that is usually pleasurable.

It was not until after I grudgingly completed my hour of work in the garden while Gary took a nap that I asked if he wanted to clear up all of the misunderstandings. When we began to talk it took only minutes to deconstruct the series of miscommunications that had occurred. Each of us acknowledged our part and identified places where we could have intervened. We also recognized that the stress of me preparing to leave town affected both of us.

When there is conflict in our lives or something goes wrong it is easy to look for someone else to blame. Most of us are keeping score at least some of the time. We want to be right. Unfortunately, blame prohibits learning and maintains the power struggle.

It is a much harder task to own up to our own part in conflict, but it can lead to identifying and understanding our patterns in the relationship dance. When we look at our contributions we see that we created the situation together. We can begin to make a plan to do things differently in the future.

In their book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen describe relationships as contribution systems. Although we don't necessarily contribute equally to conflict situations, most often we each play a part. They suggest that looking at contributions helps to clarify feelings, develop understand and increase the likelihood that we will make better choices in the future.

Here is a comparison of contribution and blame that we developed:

Contribution		Blame
Constructive Self-responsible About me Understanding Intimate Future focus Shift patterns Negative & positive events		Destructive Other responsible About you Judging Defended Past focus Maintain patterns Negative events

The next time you are in conflict with a family member, friend or co-worker take a moment to look at how each of you has contributed to the misunderstanding. Make a list and don't forget to consider what circumstances (stress of preparing for a trip) might be involved. With a little practice you will find that owning contributions early will help to diffuse blame and shift perspectives toward cooperation.

We have also used a contribution approach to acknowledge the positive contributions we each make to our relationship. I took real pleasure in telling Gary about the ways I see that he contributes positively to our partnership and to hear from him what he sees as my positive contributions.