Now that I have finally written something in my sketchbook/journal I want to say how scary this has been. I delayed putting a mark in the book because I was afraid. However, I finally got it that it is supposed to be a receptacle for ideas. It is not supposed to be a finished product. When I could see that I was stopping myself with my anxiety I took some time to look at my fears around this project.

As I became curious I began asking myself questions about my fear. What exactly is it? Where does it come from? Is it rational? How does it serve me?

I can describe the feelings associated with my fear. I feel tightness in my chest. My breath is shallow. There is tension in my neck and back. I am "trembly" and anxious. I have a sense of being immobilized.

I am certain that my fear stems from some childhood source. I know that as a child (and as an adult) I wanted to be good and to do well. I wanted to avoid ridicule. I recall a time in grade two when I had worked hard on a picture of "Hawaiian Ladies Dancing." In my child's mind they were exquisite, a perfect representation, with grass skirts and bare breasts. A boy in my class, Tommy Schultz, teased me about drawing naked ladies. He followed me all the way home taunting me. I felt embarrassment and I felt rage. I remember calling him an "ass", the only swear word I knew at the time.

I believe it is rational to feel excitement, but to be paralysed by my anxiety is definitely irrational. There is no evidence to support my fear of failure. In fact, I know that I cannot fail in this process if I am honest about my experience. I also know that I will grow and learn which is exactly what I long for.

So how does this anxiety serve me? When I asked myself this question my "bullshit detector" went off. Was I hedging my bets? Just in case my sketchbook (or the entire "Inside the Dress" project) didn't turn out well, I could say it was my anxiety that kept me from doing my best? And if I never started, I certainly couldn't "do it wrong."

I think I have used my perfectionism to stop myself because I don't know exactly "how" to do this entire project. I have been feeling like there is no plan for "Inside the Dress." Of course that isn't true at all. There are exercises to be completed. There is a timeline. There is an expected outcome. I have tons of ideas. But I seem to think I don't know "how" to begin.

All of this is amusing because in the classes that I teach I am known for saying to my students who are anxious, "What do you know to do right now?" There is always something they know to do and when they can name one thing I say, "Great! Do that and don't worry about the next step, you'll know that when you get to it." The whole point is to not become overwhelmed by the whole task. I guess it is true that we teach what we need to learn.

I am adjusting to a new level of anxiety in my life. How does it differ from the excitement I felt for the project before I bought the sketchbook? It seems bigger somehow. So I have decided that my task is not to avoid the anxiety, but to embrace it and carry on. This is a scary process and it is exactly what I want to be doing right now.


Affirmation:
Why should I fear that I am not equal to making great art? What can the value be in scaring and devaluing myself? If I try, if I learn my craft and pour myself into something I love, what sort of mistake can that be? Will I have done anything but live my life honourably? I renounce those fears that arise from belittling myself.
Eric Maisel