I renewed my driver’s license this morning. It required a picture, not unlike a passport photo, where I was required to be expressionless. Apparently any reflection of my personality or character might confound my identification by customs agents, police officers, and prison guards.

The resulting image, if encountered by my friends, might lead them to rush to my aid or steer clear of me because it looks so atypical and well, so awful. It has been said that passport photos make us look like we hate to travel and driver’s license photos, by extension, hate to drive. Traveling by car would be doubly loathsome.

Of course, going through customs or being stopped in a speed trap are not enjoyable experiences. There is little in the way of smiling or appearing in any way that would be typical of us. Officials in those situations, in the absence of normal encounters with us, might conclude that our lives are overflowing with misery.

Being photographed is often an occasion where it is difficult to suppress silly antics despite having them on record for a long time. Being asked to maintain a very straight face for a photo begs for a smirk. Luckily, composition is not big in document photos and little time is needed to take a bad picture.

The photographer could perhaps have helped by asking me to think, “Life sucks and then you die” in order to create the appropriate mood for the photo. Or even better, “Pretend the camera is a firing squad.” It gives new meaning to being shot by a camera.

The smirk came afterward when the photographer asked me if I was satisfied with my picture. What can you say? The best you can expect in a document photo is a picture you would quickly delete from your digital camera before anyone saw it or even more quickly toss your camera into the nearest body of water. The photographer had nailed it.

A smirk would not be a good thing in customs or a speed trap, or worse yet, at a holiday check-stop in response to “Have you had anything to drink?” It might be a gift for an officer bored with a seemingly endless line-up of expressionless faces suppressing the spirit and spirits of the season.

A friend once asked a customs agent what they did with people who did not seem to be taking the process seriously. He replied that they were taken to a little room and left sitting there until after their flight left. I bet it made him smirk but I for sure will not.

© C O P Y R I G H T   2 0 0 9.  Gary Holdgrafer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.