Living with doubt, that is what we do if we are thoughtful people who are dedicated to creating a meaningful life for ourselves. We choose our paths without knowing if we have made the right decision. We live with the consequences of our decisions. And yet we cannot know if we have made the “right” decision.

I have been thinking about my friend Makoto as he is making some decisions regarding his life path. I met Makoto when he came to Edmonton to study English. He is a young Japanese scientist who is planned on research career in an international setting.

His decision to come to Canada to study English was a pragmatic one. He knew that he would have a better chance of being hired by an international company if his English was excellent. Makoto worked diligently to develop his English skills. I delighted in watching as his conversational skills developed.

During the time that Makoto lived in Edmonton he began to articulate a desire to work in a developing country as an aide worker rather than in a research position. He was filled with doubts.

First he wondered about disappointing his parents who wanted him to return to Japan to live and work. Then he questioned his desire to do graduate work in an English speaking country. He wondered if he should go home and get a job. He wondered if he needed to get a doctorate in his field. He wondered if he could succeed in an international organization. He wondered what it would be like to dedicate his life to helping others.

I can relate to Makoto’s anguish about what to choose for himself. I remember times in my life when I was immobilized by a fear of choosing the wrong thing. In particular I suffered when I was a new artist. I felt that every choice I made would have profound consequences. Finally I remembered the words of a former teacher who said, “Not choosing is also a choice.”

That is when I began to realize how much I want to be the author of my own life. I want to actively choose my path. Over time I have learned that I am not particularly interested in being like anyone else. I choose my own “wonky” path trusting that it will take me where I need to go. I trust that if I get lost along the way, I will find my way back or choose a different and perhaps more interesting path.

It takes tremendous courage to live in integrity with our most authentic nature. Too often we lose heart. We decide to sacrifice our dreams in order to meet the expectations of others. Sometimes we scare ourselves into indecision, choosing not to choose. Regardless, we will always have doubts about our decisions. That is part of living fully.

My wish for my friend Makoto is that he will choose with great passion. I hope he will invest himself in making his decision work for him. No matter what he decides, I am sure he will do well. He is bright and industrious. Most of all, he is a man of good heart. He has much to offer the world. I wish him well.

© C O P Y R I G H T   2 0 0 6.  Mary Sullivan Holdgrafer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.