Mark making has been on my mind for several months. When I was preparing to go to Nancy Crow’s master class I spent endless hours practicing cutting free hand. When I went to the class I was confident that I could cut a straight line without using a ruler. However, the feedback I received was that my lines were not believable. They were too straight. They lacked personality, my personality.

Since then I have practiced what I hope is a more authentic cut. This means a cut that carries my personality. I notice that I still tend toward straight lines, but they now include a certain irregularity that makes them more interesting. My goal is for every cut and every seam to say something about who I am.

More recently I have been focusing on my quilting lines in the same way. I have adopted a new style that I “feels” authentic. I like the effect of layering the quilt lines over the seam lines. As I practice I am becoming more confident.

For me this new mark making is all about declaring who I am in the world. I am an artist who likes straight lines, but my lines are not quite straight. I am an artist who loves the effect of dense not-quite-straight lines of stitching layered over my unique, even quirky piecing. This is who I am and as I say it, I feel shaky.

Why is it so difficult for us to boldly stand up and say, “This is who I am”? It is what I long to do, yet I feel shy and uncertain. I know this is related to childhood messages about being a good girl, following the rules, and not being a show-off.

My creativity coach and mentor, Eric Maisel has been talking to me about being “Big Mary,” not the shier, less demanding Mary that I know so well. He encourages me to make a bigger mark in the world. So far I am finding this challenging. When I tell him about my expansive plans, he says they are not big enough.

In many aspects of my life I am bold and confident. People would describe me as self-assured, perhaps even daring. I do many things well and I am able to speak with certainty about my abilities and my accomplishments. However, when it comes to shameless promotion of me and my work I get knots in my stomach. Is this because I have not yet achieved my own unique style and I recognize it; or is it something else? Is it a failure of courage?

The question remains unanswered. However, I have discovered that it isn’t necessary to have the answer in order to move forward. I will continue to develop my marking making in my quilts and in the world.

© C O P Y R I G H T   2 0 0 8.  Mary Sullivan Holdgrafer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.