Being a parent is a tough job. It is now and has always been a daunting responsibility to raise children who are thoughtful, reflective good citizens and, of course, reasonably happy people. The parents I know are dedicated to their children, sometimes at their own expense.

Recently I have spent a lot of time thinking about the tough job of parenting adolescents. In the parenting courses we teach I have met many parents who struggle to provide the best possible lives for their kids. They work hard, sometimes they neglect their primary adult relationships and they often set aside their own goals for their children.

Sometimes the result of this dedication is adolescents who are thoughtless, demanding and self-centered. They feel entitled to have their every wish fulfilled and why wouldn’t they? When their experience is that their parents arrange their schedules to accommodate the kids’ activities, when moms stay up late to sew costumes, when dad takes on extra work in order to pay for sports activities.

It is not “wrong” for parents to do special things for their children. However, it is unfortunate when parents sacrifice to meet their children’s demands for more and better at the expense of themselves and the family.

Many years ago I read In the Shelter of Each Other by Mary Pipher. She made a strong case for simplifying family life and giving children what they need most, their parents’ time. She wrote with sympathy for families struggling to do their best. Her suggestions for change were simple, but not easy.

More recently I read Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. In it Neufeld and Mate make the case for spending time with adolescents that is not focused on a power struggle. Too often they say interactions with adolescent are focused around tasks. Both books encourage developing family cohesion and fostering relationships between adolescents and their parents.

In my experience adolescents want the respect and support of their parents. I think they become confused by media messages and peer influences that often move them away from the very warmth and security they crave.

On the other hand, parents are called upon to be steadfast in their parenting role, but they are often confused and frightened about losing their kids. In the midst of the busyness of life it is easy to become unfocused and ungrounded. Relationship building is difficult when the daily schedule is the focal point.

I see it is essential for parents to make themselves matter. If we always leave ourselves out of the equation, how can we expect our children to be considerate of us? We need to begin early to teach our children to think of us as more than a wallet or a taxi service, or worse yet, the enforcer. We can do that by engaging our kids in real conversations, telling them about our hopes and dreams and making sure that they understand that we are a part of the family too.

I believe we teach our children best when we demonstrate that our adult relationships and our personal interests are important. Our actions are often more important than our words. Really what we want for our kids is to have a fulfilling life. The way to teach that is to make our own lives rich and full.

It is a tough job being a parent. It requires patience and clarity. Making everyone in the family matter will help to build the essential connections that foster the development of those thoughtful individuals we want our children to become.

© C O P Y R I G H T   2 0 0 6.  Mary Sullivan Holdgrafer ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.