| |
" W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R
B E R I G H T
O R H A P P Y ? "
B.
Wong
" B E I N G P O S I T I V E
B U O Y S P E O P L E I N T O A
W A Y O F T H I N K I N G
T H A T A I M S T O D E T E C T
N O T W H A T I S W R O N G ,
B U T W H A T
I S R I G H T "
M.
Seligman
" W H E N T H E S E Q U E N C E
O F F E E L I N G A
P O S I T I V E E M O T I O N ,
E X P R E S S I N G I T ,
E L I C I T I N G A P O S I T I V E
E M O T I O N I N A N O T H E R ,
A N D T H E N R E S P O N D I N G
B A C K G O E S A W R Y ,
T H E M U S I C T H A T
S U P P O R T S T H E
D A N C E O F L O V E A N D
F R I E N D S H I P I S
I N T E R R U P T E D "
M.
Seligman
|
|
Back seat driving is an issue with some tension for Mary and I. Mary
often gives me directions about where to turn or park, the best route
to take to our destination and she warns me about red lights, stalled
cars ahead and other driving hazards.
Her assistance comes legitimately. As an absent-minded professor for
many years, I would often automatically drive to the university, day
or night, no matter where we intended to go. So Mary has learned to
keep an eye on me when I am behind the wheel. Ironically, I can say
that I taught her to back seat drive through my own behaviour.
Anyway, I have felt resentful toward Mary about her back seat driving
and have told her so. I don't like it. And yet, it is another life experience
with a lesson to be learned. One of the important qualities of our relationship
is that we are both willing to be curious about our conflicts.
In the midst of my awareness of feeling resentful, I remembered probability.
Statistical significance often allows for a 5% margin of error. So out
of 100 occurrences of back seating driving, chances are that I really
need it five times to avoid inconvenience and maybe serious consequences.
Mary tells me she thinks for me, it is more like 95 times. She is only
kidding.
Lo and behold, I discovered an appreciation for her vigilance! I still
feel that rising charge of energy when she directs my attention to something
that is already obvious to me. And then I remember probability and am
thankful for what she said, even if it was unnecessary in that moment.
In a broader context, unresolved resentments bring negativity into a
relationship by making partners into adversaries where one is right
and the other is wrong. Appreciations give rise to positive feelings,
partners become allies and conflict is transformed into cooperation.
I believe that there may often be potential appreciations of our relationship
partner embedded in our resentments. The appreciation gets "trumped"
by the stronger emotion of the resentment so it is not discovered and
nourished. It is like a delicate flower trying to find the sun in the
midst of a patch of thistles.
Resentments can easily become permanent whereas appreciations are often
temporary and even fleeting. The challenge in any relationship is to
reverse that process.
Discovering and expressing an appreciation to a partner can be an "unexpected
gift at an unexpected time" (Sean Connery - title
role in Finding Forrester) that brings warmth, instead of heat,
to a relationship. Mining conflict can be a lucrative way of enriching
relationships.
Ok, ok. I confess. I also back seat drive with Mary. She is a very careful
driver. No more than a 1% margin of error. Recently, in an unusual circumstance,
Mary got a traffic ticket. She told me that she wished I had
been with her.
|
|
